Have you heard of a phrase that’s similar to the above? *Instead of “hard pass,” it’s “no.”
Or have you read this book by Mark Manson?
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F!ck by Mark Manson has been a mentality-changing book for me. I don’t always think to ask the question, “Is this a fuck yes? No? Then it’s a no.” But when I do, it’s definitely made my life easier.
But like most things in life, the experiences that are worth it the most are often the hardest to learn. Not “giving a f!ck” is definitely a hard lesson to learn. Then understanding the balance of giving a damn and not giving a damn needs to be learned quickly after.
So where do you start? How do you start? What did I do, where did I start, and how did I do this? I’ll try to keep this short: I looked inside, I wanted to understand who I was and why I cared so much about EVERYTHING. Every. Little Thing. I needed to have an emotional attachment. I needed to have control over it. I needed it to be how I wanted it to be. I gave too much of a f!ck about every little thing in my life, of every person that ever crossed my path. And guys, let me tell you, I was exhausted. No one cared as much as I did. And I’m really not that important. Were these things hard to accept? For me, yes. I was surprised at how incredibly hard it was; like when people were furious about Taco Bell taking out the potatoes, like that (but I heard they brought it back so there’s that and I won’t be going back to giving too much of a f!ck). My question was, why did I need everyone to care as I did? Why did I want to be important? And the growth started there.
My therapist and I concluded that I see everything in black and white. That “grey area” in my brain didn’t exist, at least I didn’t think it did (my therapist made a “grey matter” joke and it made my day that she’s cool like that); everything needed to be either right or wrong, good or bad, nothing mattered in between. I still work on this! She’ll catch me seeing things as one way or the other and I would fight with myself so much about wanting it one way and wanting everyone else to see it my way. Why do I reference this beautiful book? It’s helped me see things in the grey because things in the grey mean that I can give less of a f!ck and it wouldn’t hurt anyone or matter. That I can accept that I’m not really that important to anyone and that shouldn’t matter as long as I am the most important to myself and that everyone cares about as much as they want to. This might read as bad things but they’re not! Remember the days where every blog post or video would headline, “25 things…” or something that was similar? These two things were on any of those lists! It’s the same idea that people who travel realize how small they really are in comparison to everything and everyone that graces this world. Or the 5-by-5 rule, “if it’s not going to matter in 5 years, don’t spend more than 5 minutes being upset by it.”
*insert picture of me holding my favorite mug here*
Mark Manson is honest and he tells us to be honest with ourselves. That life is hard and that’s okay because what matters is that even when it’s hard, we still get through it. Every. Single. Day. He talks about how we seem to be stuck in this toxic positivity (my last episode on Go Fr(om) Here with Belle talks about this!) mindset; that it’s the only thing that will make us happy, if we’re always positive and see everything in a better light than it is. This just isn’t the case. When things are hard, we should accept that it is. That we instead accept it, change it, or walk away. Mark tells us that “there are only so many things that we can give a f!ck about so we need to figure out which ones really matter.” He reminds us that we need to remember why we started, why we continue to do it, and why, sometimes we need to change or walk away. That’s where he wrote the phrase, “It’s either a fuck yes or no.” It’s not an easy mantra to live by and maybe it’s not one you want to live by yourself but it’s saved my butt many times and I appreciate him for writing it.
If you’re curious, read the book. It’s a good book. But if you’re like well.. then it’s a “no” and it won’t resonate now. Wait until you look at it and think, “Fuck yes.”
x B